Stop Keeping Score and Build Your Relationship

Stop Keeping Score and Build Your Relationship

September 2, 2020 0 By Lexie Hernandez

One of the worst things in a relationship is when one, or both, keep score. Most don’t think they do this, but it comes out in a variety of ways.

A wife may not want to go with her husband to a family event with the husband reminding her he went to her sister’s house two weeks ago. A couple may be picking out a movie to rent and opt for a romantic comedy because they went with the husband’s choice of action last time.

Why do we do this?

The reason most people feel they need to keep score is that they want to be fair. Inwardly, they are trying to avoid one person giving or receiving too much in a relationship. There are two problems with this. First, it doesn’t make things fair. Second, it’s exhausting.

This is also applied to home chores, kid duties, and how you spend money. This type of scorekeeping is fruitless in any of those situations. All chores and duties are not the same with some being harder than others. Some are more disgusting than others. You can’t equate those.

It’s the same with money. You may find something on sale that is normally three times the price. So, does your husband need to go spend money to get the equivalent? Is it equated by price or by quality? You see the point.

A Word of Forgiveness

One of the worst ways to keep score is with the scoreboard of wrongs. Unfortunately, women are most experienced at recounting wrongs. A wife can pull a wrong from 20 years ago to force her husband to agree to do a specific thing or change a certain behavior now. That isn’t how marriage is supposed to be.

How to Change the Score

First, realize that your significant other doesn’t have to go with you on every chore. They don’t have to go with you to the grocery store, to pay bills, or even to every doctor’s appointment. Dragging them along on these types of errands just makes life less bearable. Likewise, you don’t need to go with them to the car mechanic or tractor store.

These tasks, along with household chores, should be divided up to who can do them most effectively and who finds them more bearable. Some like to go get groceries because they plan out the menus, cut coupons, look for specials, and taste samples. He doesn’t mind doing dishes if you cook. Figure all that out. Dividing and conquering will same time and possibly your marriage.

Decide to forgive wrongs. That means you decide, in your head, not to bring them up again. This might require some discipline but if you make a decision upfront to put them in the past, you will stand a better chance at maintaining that decision.

Instead, try to fill the void with gratitude. Constantly remind yourself of things in your relationship that inspires gratitude. The more you can exchange unforgiveness for grace, the better off you and the relationship will be.

You don’t want to do everything for your loved one because one-sided relationships don’t work. Instead, focus on doing what you love doing and having a conversation with your loved one if you start to feel the weight of responsibilities is out of balance.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do some chores together but you should keep the joint activities to things you both enjoy. If both of you like car shows or shopping, then by all means do it. If you love working together on a project, then continue. Just allow for some things to be done solo if one doesn’t love the activity.

The important thing is to spend time together every week and make that time something both of you enjoy.